“Forgive Them Father, For They Know Not What They Do” Tubridy Pleads With God


RESPONDING publicly for the first time to the overreaction the Irish people have had to his role in RTÉ’s ongoing omnishambles and gombeenageddon, ‘Ireland’s most trusted man*’ Ryan Tubridy has pleaded with God to forgive them one and all.

“Father, let not their blackened hearts and shrunken brains turn you to anger. The great people of Ireland know not their stupidity, they lash out unaware that this is all a big misunderstanding,” Tubridy said, referring to his immense good fortune of receiving lucrative gigs to host Renault events weeks after agreeing a pay cut with RTÉ during the height of Covid.

Talking of being ‘cancelled’ and showing signs of stigmata during his Oireachtas appearances Tubridy begged God not to strike anyone down over their misplaced and idiotic feelings which may have led them to think Tubridy had done something wrong or that it odd he remains in receipt of €150,000 for six Renault events which had not yet happened.

“Yes these poor souls are ignorant, yes they level the most heinous accusations against me, a man with an agent who says he saw nothing wrong with sending an invoice for consultant fees he never delivered to a UK company which was neither RTÉ nor Renault, but forgive them,” the broadcasting deity said.

Tubridy and his agent Noel Kelly spent much of the day successfully repairing their reputations by passionately defending themselves against accusations that were never made against them in the first place.

“God, please also forgive the politicians for criticising the fact we gave them a 34 page document relating to this affair only two hours before my grilling began, rendering it difficult for them to refute the assertions we made in our opening statements” .

Following his appearance at the committees the definition of the word ‘humble’ has been changed to a picture of Ryan Tubridy with an angelic halo over his head as he cradles the entirety of Ireland’s children in his arms.

*citation needed.

UPDATE: While God has been told to go easy on everyone, sources suggest lawyers have been told something else altogether.