Recap: Tubridy Vs. Oireachtas

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STRAP in for a full recap of a forgiving grilling which saw punches pulled, arses licked and selfies requested:

The media have been here at Leinster House since 6am, busy erecting a three ringed circus in anticipation of the mania which rivals the time the Brian McFadden and Keith Duffy fronted Boyzlife played the Red Cow Inn.

The VIP golden tickets for today’s event entitles the ticket holder to free rotten fruit to throw at the RTÉ presenter for the reasonable sum of €5,000 or ‘200 pairs of flip flops’ in RTÉ barter account money.

The hearing marks the first time many people have willingly tuned into Ryan Tubridy.

“Whatever it is, RTÉ made us do it”: Tubridy and Kelly outline answers to all questions going forward.

Paddy Power have had to pay out €2.5bn after Tubridy uttered the words ‘I’ve been cancelled’.

Tubridy and his agent Noel Kelly already drawing criticism now online for entering committee meeting to P Diddy’s ‘Bad Boy For Life’.

Confirmed: Marty Morrissey’s car will appear before the Oireachtas next Tuesday.

You can now text in your apology to Ryan Tubridy at 54615 with the word ‘Soz’ followed by your name. Texts cost €3

An emotional Tubridy reiterated that ever since he was a kid he always wanted to get a job at Money, and that his time at Money was the most rewarding Money of his Money.

Tubridy has been warned to refrain from pinching his testicles underneath his trousers to force a torrent of emotional tears.

Agent Noel Kelly denies offering Jedward €100,000 to undergo surgery which would see them become conjoined twins, as part of an elaborate plot to distract from his Tubridy’s predicament.

“It’s your job to know these things” – spanner thrown in the works as Roy Keane is drafted in by Oireachtas to quiz Noel Kelly insistence that he just did what RTÉ tells him to do when it comes to signing contracts.

Papa and Nicole deny signing the Tubridy contract on behalf of Renault.

“Answer the damn question you dodgy bastards, is it pronounced Renault or Renault?” an agitated Richard Boyd Barrett demands to know.

Tubridy denies ordering a hit on Doireann Garrihy because he was jealous of her brand partnership with Flahavans Oats

Fianna Fáil’s Cormac Devlin reprimanded for asking for Tubridy’s autograph in middle of questioning.

Yawns now as Tubridy 14th long-winded ‘from the heart’ monologue of the morning enters its 5th minute and turns out to be a soliloquy from Hamlet.

Billy Barry kids now providing the half-time entertainment but you can tell their hearts aren’t in it.

Tubridy necking bottles of Prime now as fatigue hits.

“Mr Tubridy, as a former presenter now, can you still get tickets to this year’s Toy Show for me?” – more tough and unforgiving questions from TDs.

COMPETITION TIME

To win a holiday to New York; who is the bigger spoofer?

A: Noel Kelly
B: RTÉ

UPDATE: Congratulations to a Ms Forbes who won the competition holiday to New York!

“See, I didn’t even know I had that there”, embarrassing scenes now as Tubridy finds large wad of cash in his blazer.

An angry Mattie McGrath demands to know where the third Johnny is buried.

Tubridy told to wind his neck in after jokingly saying ‘there’s an apology for everyone in the audience’.

Kelly said his client’s salary, while significant, was justified as ‘it’s not simple making something so easy look so hard to do’

“If it doesn’t fit, you must acquit” – confused reactions now as, on legal advice, Tubridy tries and fails to put on a pair of leather gloves.

The witnesses were asked several times to stop answering questions to allow politicians to shout loudly over them so they could impress their constituents

Kelly admitting now that he doesn’t know what a tracker mortgage or a barter account is.

There was a delay to proceedings after a truck containing the nation’s supply of popcorn overheated and popped on the M50

In a truly shocking incident at least one politician is coming across as an unprepared slack-jawed eejit with mushy peas for brains.

JUST IN: RTÉ have confirmed that some of the rats who infested the RTÉ canteen may have fled in a free Renault.

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