Highlights From RTÉ’s Grilling At The Oireachtas


CATCH up on what’s unfolded so far as RTÉ execs are subjected to another day of tough questions from TDs and senators.

The RTÉ board where criticised for using Simply Red’s ‘Money’s Too Tight To Mention’ as an entrance song.

The committee took a number of breaks when the overwhelming stench of bullshit proved too much.

RTÉ board members deny asking to stop and pause for The Angelus was a time wasting trick.

Due to an inability to understand TD Mattie McGrath when he said the word ‘loyal’, RTÉ immediately used its barter account to pay a third party company in the UK to hire a ‘culchie translator’ for a small €25k fee.

In a sentence that a satirical publication could not make up, RTÉ chief financial officer Richard Collins initially told the Public Accounts Committee he’s not sure what his salary is.

He later went on to state Dee Forbes told him a €75k payment to Ryan Tubridy were ‘consultancy fees’ to Tubridy’s agent Noel Kelly for ‘advice on restructuring RTÉ during Covid’ and he stated that some of the activities could be described as maybe defrauding the taxpayer*.

*Reminder this is Ireland and no matter how brazen and blatant things are, there will be no consequences.

Using its barter account RTÉ spent €138,000 on 10-year IRFU season tickets, and €10k to sponsor The Koh Samui Cup.

RTÉ execs stated a bonus was given to the senior staff member who could burn through the most money by spending it on stuff like €26k tickets to the Champion’s League final.

“On legal advice I’m just going to keep talking and talking and talking complete nonsense until such a time as I have taken up all available time and get to go home” – various RTÉ board members stated.

Dustin the Turkey was removed from the chamber after shouting ‘nevermind poxy pay disputes, Francis Brennan knows where the bodies are buried, it’s time to come clean Francis!’

A number of TDs asked if they could have a go of Ryan Tubridy’s Vespa.

“No, the family WhatsApp was not ‘hopping’, why do you ask?” Simon Coveney’s brother and head of strategy at RTÉ Rory Coveney said during proceedings.

“€250,000 for Kielty to host? Sorry we’ll sort that out, that’s a disgrace, we’ll double it immediately,” said RTÉ’s CFO after learning what RTÉ were paying new host Patrick Kielty.

“Who among us can truly say they thought The Toy Show musical was a bad idea and a complete waste of money?” said a board member with the official title of Head of Terrible Fucking Ideas at RTÉ.

“We want to be fully up front and honest, so we’d like to clarify some troubling instances of false reporting and misrepresentation of the facts; RTÉ can confirm we were never offered Fr. Ted, that is an urban myth, it’s creators have said they’d never trust us with it and went straight to Channel 4. And they’re right, we would have fucked that up and all”.

“If anything it’s you guys who should be on trial. Imagine being so stupid as to keep giving money to a place that pays Joe Duffy €350k to be a glorified telephone operator?” – board members said in response to hostile questions from TDs.

TDs refused RTÉ request to ‘make this all go away’ by giving them a free spin of the Winning Streak wheel.

“We knew what we knew of what wasn’t not going on at or around the time of the thing we knew nothing about so we don’t have the knowledge to know how to answer that question” – confirmed all RTÉ eomployees at the committee.

New, incoming RTÉ director general Kevin Bakhurst confirmed there’s nothing for it but to burn the whole lot down before he then threw a grenade in the direction of the current board.