Banks Now Require First Time Buyers To Leave Bloodied Corpse Of Rival Buyer On Doorstep

IT’S hard to keep up with the changing landscape of mortgage requirements but bidding on your first home just got a whole lot easier thanks to a move backed by the Central Bank and estate agents.

“We’re more than happy to sign off on mortgages we just want you to show you really want it,” explained one mortgage lender, outlining that along with a 10% deposit first time buyers have to leave at least one corpse of a vanquished rival on the doorstep of their mortgage provider.

There are fears that the new criteria will lead to a bidding war which will see buyers one up each other by leaving extra corpses because an estate agent has claimed another bidder upped their last minute bid to two corpses, and in the process artificially raise the minimum bloodied corpse requirement.

“That’s not for us to interfere with, the market is the market and if eight corpses is the going rate for a first house so be it. This is just another sign of a healthy housing market with a shortage of supply,” added one bank official.

Elsewhere, a number of avoidable tragedies have occurred as several estate agents set themselves on fire after learning house prices in Ireland have dropped for the first time since 2020. “If they’d just read the rest of the report, they would have seen the average price in Dublin for a 3-bed is at a record €500k. I’d ordered in extra especially and all,” confirmed a sad local cocaine supplier.