Anti-LGBT Protesters Demand A ‘Straight Mace’ To Rival Gay Spar

SAD NEWS ahead of Dublin Pride as a smattering of bigots have called on other corner shop chains to step up and rival George Street’s iconic Gay Spar.

“You wouldn’t catch me in there shopping for gay milk or gay bread I tell you that for one thing,” said protester Anthony Droppedontheheadasakid.

“So that’s why me and my fellow protesters are calling on Mace to step up and open the most explicitly heterosexual shop ever, Straight Mace,” added Anthony, who had drawn up various floor plans and demands.

Were ‘Straight Mace’ to go ahead it would have what protesters call ‘straight opening hours’ of 9am to 5pm and would carry only original flavours of well known drinks, confectionery and crisp brands. The in-store speaker system would refrain from using radios stations which play modern music such as Sam Smith, and instead revert to wholesome classic radio stations that play Diana Ross, Cher, Whitney Houston and Madonna.

“One day we get gay marriage and the next every chocolate bar has a ‘salted caramel’ version? I see right through this gayification of food,” said one protester scribbling out the ‘flaming’ part of a range of Flaming Hot Doritos.

“And we’re bringing back tampons covered with newspaper!”

A spokesperson for Mace has said that while creating Straight Mace would be an unforgivable PR nightmare it acknowledges it would be less offensive than those Johnny Sexton ads.