Report Not Trying To Be Mean But Dublin City A Bit Of A Fucking Shithole

FRESH from separate reports which place Dublin at the bottom of European capitals from transport and 30% more costly for building homes yet another chastening blow has dealt against the capital city’s reputation.

“We tried to find the kindest, softest language that spells out what a shithole it is without really kicking a city while it’s down but it’s actually harder than you think – a bit like walking through Dublin city and trying not to get depressed by the scenes of destitution,” explained a contributor to a new report on leading capital cities’ culture, retail and public spaces.

“Look I saw how roasted Dublin was getting in the report, so I risked my reputation by removing the bit about how the streets are lined with dog and human faeces – so don’t say we didn’t try to be generous,” added a contributor.

While European cities such as Lisbon, Vienna, Paris and Amsterdam scored high, Dublin was the only city to gain minus marks in all key criteria.

“Under landmarks you put ‘two moldy old chimneys’, under tallest building you put ‘bungalow with high heels’, under defining characteristic you put ‘two equally annoying accents’ so I’m sorry but we’re not taking the blame for you finishing dead last,” added contributors.

“Oh my God when we asked you guys if you had a functioning Metro you told us that free newspaper eased trading years ago, you are the hellhole city all other hellhole cities aspire to,” concluded the report, which is being celebrated as ‘not as bad as we feared’ by Dublin City Council and the coalition government.

In another bid to soften the harsh results, a special category entitled ‘best at stepping over homeless people while ignoring them’ award went to the city’s residents.