Man Can’t Cut Toxic Friend Out Of Life Until He Gets Coke Dealer’s Number From Him


FACING a dilemma that many people can empathise with Liam Cribben has come to the realisation that he must end his relationship with a toxic friend who is particularly detrimental to his wellbeing and happiness.

“Brian was good craic to begin with but it dawned on me there, I’m getting older and I can’t be hanging out with the lad who is always dragging me to sessions, getting in aggro and asking for a lend of money,” explained Cribben, of miscreant Brian Malton.

Another positive step in his evolution to mature adult human, there’s just one catch for Cribben – Malton is the one who has the coke connect.

“He’s toxic, like you can’t even go for a midweek pint without him twisting my arm into doing a bag which is why I need to cut him out of my life. It’s really having a horrible effect on my life, my mental health so he needs to go but then where do I get my coke from, y’know?” queried Cribben.

The 32-year-old is hindered by the fact Malton rarely leaves his phone (which contains the dealer’s number) unattended and all subtle attempts by Cribben to take over responsibility for putting an order in have been scuppered.

“He just needs to slip up once, hand me his phone to show me a meme or something and I can pretend to fumble with my fingers and bingo I’ll have the dealer’s number,” reasoned Cribben, who will be glad to soon have the malign influence of Malton erased from his personal life.

“It’s like I’m being dogged by a dark cloud hanging over me, but that’ll all be ancient history once Brian’s out of the picture,” confirmed Cribben before sending Malton a text about a fresh order at 10am on a Sunday morning.