Government Wouldn’t Have Agreed To Abortion Legislation Review If It Meant Implementing Changes

THE GOVERNMENT has confirmed it will drag its feet while kicking the can down the road when it comes to implementing recommendations from a report that would reduce delays and barriers currently impeding access to abortion care.

“You only think you voted for free safe and legal abortions but silly, you didn’t, you voted for knowing we would institute a review after three years and then try to ignore the recommendations because we have spines made of jelly,” offered a spokesperson for the coalition.

“Easy, just didn’t read them,” confirmed the cabinet when asked how it could ignore 30 operational recommendations and up to 10 pieces of legislation recommended in barrister Dr Marie O’Shea’s report on the provision of abortion services in Ireland.

The minister for health Stephen Donnelly added that every voter knew when voting that eight of the countries’ nineteen maternity units just wouldn’t bother with offering abortions, that nine counties would only have a few doctors offering abortion care, women would be heckled outside hospitals and that it would be a bit ‘OTT’ to improve things.

“We’re of course referring the report to the Oireachtas Health Committee first until such a time we figure out another way of avoiding having to do any of the things outlined in the report,” offered Donnelly.

“Sure, the report might say some care workers abuse their right to conscientiously object by actively obstructing or delaying a woman’s access to care by providing misleading information but that’s definitely what everyone voted for. You hardly expect to stop this by updating legislation”.

Meanwhile, Micheál Martin confirmed Fianna Fáil TDs will be given a ‘conscience vote’ when it comes to any votes in the Dáil relating to abortion, a conscience vote they never asked for when voting to end the eviction ban and increase child homelessness in the process.