Choosing A Jury For Trump’s Trial: Here’s The Criteria


THE legal cases against former president Donald Trump continue to pile up, including a civil trial where he stands accused of rape as well as his ongoing defence against fraud accusations and who knows how many more.

All that the judiciary needs now is jurors; impartial, level-headed jurors who can hear the evidence for and against Trump and dispense justice evenly and fairly. In an America that’s never been more divided, how is that decided? The courts are looking for the following:

– Someone who has never voted either Republican or Democrat for the last 10 years. Non-voters or people who wrote ‘Kanye LOL’ on their ballot only.

– Nobody that has a Twitter or Facebook account. In fact, no social media at all. Ideally, people who have never been online in their lives (elderly Irish immigrants are being earmarked here).

– Nobody who wears wraparound mirrored sunglasses.

– If you own a gun you are eligible, just. If you own fifty guns, not so much.

– Candidates must be able to look at a photograph of Hillary Clinton for one hour without either bursting into angry rage or weeping tears of love and pride.

– Anyone that watched The Apprentice is out.

– Candidates must be able to read the phrase ‘let’s go Brandon’ without smirking.

– A series of photos of Trump’s hair will be shown on a device not unlike the test machine from Blade Runner, gauging the candidate’s heart rate and pupil dilation levels.

To date, only 16 eligible people have been found across America.