Niall Collins Issues Statement Via Magic Eye Stereogram

FIANNA Fáil junior minister Niall Collins is happy that he’s answered any questions surrounding the purchase of council land by his wife during his time as a councillor in a statement that can be read if you just ‘look at it funny’ for a while.

Collins’ took time to craft the statement following a news report revealing he was a participant in a council meeting on selling council-owned land in Limerick which was later bought by his wife, and the Irish media were good enough to give the TD the time and space he needed to craft a response that explained exactly how nothing improper occurred.

“It’s a Magic Eye picture, they were very big back in the 90s. You just kind of have to let your eyes go crossed a bit, imagine you’re looking through it, not at it. Then the text will come into focus and explain exactly how he’s 100% in the clear,” explained a spokesperson for FF’s stereogram communications department.

“There will be no further questions and no further media coverage on the subject.If you can’t see the image, try looking at it from an angle or something. Hold a finger up, focus on that and then move your finger. If all that fails, eputy Collins will make further clarifications via semaphore code from the deck of a ship passing by the coast of Limerick at 3am tomorrow morning. Get your binoculars out”.

The politician-property scandal will now pass into the ‘old news’ stage of the cycle, and will be forgotten about just like every other one.