“Is It Too Late To Retract My Statement?” Jonathan Dowdall Asks

“Seriously, this isn’t how it played out in the film Goodfellas,” a worried looking Jonathan Dowdall began. “Is it too late to retract my statement, like I can just pretend I lied again, and everything will be okay?” he added, now looking through a plastic surgery catalogue for a new face.

Frantically flicking from page to page, looking for the most unrecognisable appearance and contemplating a sex change, Dowdall’s confidence in the Irish witness protection program was fading fast as his former pal The Monk was found not guilty of murdering gangland rival, David Byrne.

“If the Irish judicial system can fuck up this badly, then what are my chances as a State rat surviving on the outside? I mean, these fucking idiots will probably relocate me next door to Gerry Hutch’s gaff in Lanzarote,” said the former Sinn Féin councillor, his lips quivering with the fear of karma coming back to waterboard him.

Dowdall, previously convicted with his father of falsely imprisoning and threatening to kill a man, was also charged for facilitating the killing of David Byrne with Mr. Hutch, before turning on him in exchange for a lighter sentence and a glitzy state witness tag.

“In Goodfellas your man Henry went on to live a full and fruitful life after ratting the mob out to the feds, but I fear now I’m going to get a more of a Joe Pesci Casino ending in a corn field somewhere being hammered with baseball bats,” Dowdall concluded, before opting for the African female option in the plastic surgeon catalogue.