Biden Visit Day 1: The Highlights


TAKING in Belfast, Dublin, Carlingford and Dundalk, it’s been quite a day for US president Joe Biden. Here are some of the highlights from an action packed day which has been truly unforgettable:

“Where’s my fucking petrol station and services station named after me? Bidenplaza now or I fucking riot!” a visibly annoyed Biden said, pitching a bitch fit 5 minutes after landing on the island.

A controlled explosion of Arlene Foster’s rage was carried out as she reacted to Biden’s strong support for the Good Friday Agreement and the Windsor Framework.

Biden drew criticism for flying in on a modified jet which bore the words ‘Air Force Taig’.

Thinking he was suffering from auditory hallucination Biden could be seen asking his handlers if his water had been spiked after hearing the Belfast accent.

During an address in Belfast Biden brought up the fact the architect of the White House was Irishman James Hoban before skillfully leaving out fact he was a slave-owner.

The president also name-checked ‘Irish Goodbye’ star James Martin while remarking ‘Banshees was fuckin’ robbed’ at the Oscars.

Biden called news that The Coronas would play at his Ballina address ‘a declaration of war’.

Greeting Leo Varadkar on the tarmac of Dublin Airport, a misty-eyed Biden reflected “what a transformation Ireland has undergone, to think when my ancestors fled Ireland it was a country captured by an entitled class who locked people out of land ownership”.

“I don’t care if I have official engagements, cancel them, I want to go to Air Bound Trampoline Park in Dundalk” Biden barked at his aides while on the tarmac.

Biden was greeted by his 14th cousin 8 times removed, who was among the crowds in Dundalk, however, the happy moment didn’t last long after he and cousin Eamon Finnegan got into a heated row about the family farm.

Biden’s Secret Service detail has already worked up an estimated €2mn bill for Supermacs in under 24 hours.

Several Secret Service men have pledged to leave their families back home after being bewitched by Dundalk’s many beauties.

The US treasury reports that the debt ceiling was officially broken after Biden promised to buy a round in Temple Bar tomorrow.

The Minister for Finance Michael McGrath directly okay’d handing over whatever money it takes to reopen the Amber nightclub after Biden, who was planning to hit it up, was devastated to hear it had closed.

Irish and international media were admitted to hospital and treated for exhaustion after searching out and finding a record number of the most gombeen motherfuckers imaginable to interview on live TV.

Fearing questions about the unforgivable failure that was the botched withdrawal from Afghanistan among other thorny issues, Biden faced tough ball slap downs such as ‘how great is Ireland on a scale of 10 to 10’ by assembled media.

Unruly and possibly tipsy, president Biden was heard to loudly threaten Spirit Store bouncers with a precision drone strike after he was refused entry by bouncers because he was wearing Crocs.