“The Ghost Of Nelson Mandela Visited Me Last Night”: Trump Begins Speech

DONALD TRUMP quickly allayed any fears that he would make an unhinged speech at his Mar-a-lago resort last night by telling a story of how the ghost of Nelson Mandela visited with him to sympathise over their similar fights against injustice and incarceration.

“Nelson appeared at the foot of my bed, well technically he had Morgan Freeman’s face and voice. He was there with Jesus, another persecuted man. Persecuted probably for similar crimes to trying to disguise hush money payments to a porn star, a door man and a playboy model,” said Trump, opening his speech in uncharacteristically focused manner.

Supporters had feared that the judge’s choice not to impose a court ordered gag would see Trump use his speech to perjure and further incriminate himself, attempt to intimidate the DA and judge involved in his case, maybe call one of them a criminal and heavily hint to followers that they should avenge his arrest for law breaking.

“Nelson said ‘Donald mon, you have a long walk to freedom, mon’,” Trump said clearly attempting to imitate a Jamaican accent, “just like Nelson was the subject of cancel culture when they removed him from the Uncle Ben’s packaging, I too am being cancelled”.

Trump then said ‘would a guilty man do this’ before circulating a picture of the daughter of the judge presiding over his case to his supporters and winking.

“The only crimes I’ve ever committed are the ones of which I’m accused, and those pertaining to several other impending court cases. This country is going to hell,” concluded Trump.