Irish House Prices Rise 87% On News Of Potential Global Banking Collapse

STUBBORNLY impervious to the very concept of reality, the Irish property market has manfully taken the news of a potential banking crisis in its stride with house prices rising by 87% in the last hour.

“Fuck you all, I’m the most precious material in the known universe,” shouted one for sale sign pitched into the earth of an underwhelming, pokey house with a rotting roof in central Dublin which had an asking price higher than Snopp Dogg on a trip to Jamaica.

While there are stirs of a liquidity crisis and countless financial institutions being exposed to runs on banks, the property market at home has simply chosen to ignore all this.

“Ah we collapsed in value around 2008-ish but we found it really wasn’t for us,” said a shack on the Beara Peninsula whose price increased by €50,000 after its online listing stated ‘within commuting distance of Dublin’.

As every head of an investment fund squeezed their rectums tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm, here on the ground in Ireland those in the property game remained defiantly optimistic.

“Oh, our modeling suggest that if Ireland was at the epicentre of the largest earthquake in human history while at the same time bombed by Russia with nukes rent yields for cuckoos fund would remain steady,” confirmed one property manager.

In other news, for the avoidance of doubt the coalition government has announced its intention to release its ‘no houses, more homeless, no plan’ statement on a daily basis going forward.