Inquiry Into Handling Of Pandemic To Begin Once All Risk Of Accountability Removed, Confirm Government

IN THE WAKE of news that nursing home deaths during the Covid-19 pandemic in Ireland accounted for 27% of the total 8,000 plus deaths in the country, the government have confirmed their intention to hold a public inquiry ‘very soon, like soon soon’ .

However, a stumbling block to the setting up of the inquiry remains in the form of the tricky concept of ‘accountability’, a word not currently in use in Hiberno-English.

“Just ironing out the finer details now, the parameters, the guidelines, the framework, to whit the hitherto unformed body under which the organisational auspices fall for actioning actionable learnings,” explained a government spokesperson satisfied they had said as little as possible with the most number of words.

The government is keen to stress that ‘lessons have been learned’ from the pandemic response already such as maintaining social distance from all blame while civil servants and senior HSE have long had enough time to delete incriminating texts and email chains.

“We’re so hyped for this inquiry honest, but first the legal people just need to make sure we haven’t accidentally set up an inquiry that requires anyone to actual turn up if they’re called to give evidence, or worse answer for any negligence, malicious or otherwise,” explained the coalition.

“And that there’s no risk someone could be punished, say, if it’s revealed they sent a thumbs up emoji to an email from a nursing home begging for help,” they added.

UPDATE: The coalition remains committed to finding how lengthy an inquiry has to be before the public finally loses interest.