Liverpool Fan Remains In Catatonic State On Living Room Sofa


SEEMINGLY unable to process the fact that the defence of his beloved club Liverpool now operate as effectively as a dam made of Swiss cheese trying to hold back a tsunami, local man Peter Connell remains rooted to his sofa in a catatonic state.

“He’s been unresponsive ever since Fabinho gift wrapped Madrid’s 5th goal. Sounds weird that, doesn’t it ‘5th goal’, like there were five of them. In the one game. Against Liverpool. At home,” pondered Connell’s girlfriend Jane Reilly, unwittingly sending Connell deeper into a reality-denying safe space.

“We’re actually quite worried about how he’ll react when he finds out Joe Gomez was nutmegged by a bed bound pensioner on his way home,” added Reilly, waving her hands over Connell’s face, eliciting about the same level of reaction that Alisson showed when trying to pass out from the back last night.

Doctor have examined coaxing Connell out of his catatonic state by placing him in front of the 2005 Champion’s League final on repeat and a year’s supply of antidepressants.

With reports that Liverpool fans set fireworks off outside the hotel Real Madrid were staying in the night before the game, and clearly resulting in the opposite of the desired effect, a number of Liverpool have already descended on Madrid to place soothing pan pipe music, Lush bath bombs, essential oils and scented candles at the location of the Carlo Ancelotti-led team’s hotel in the Spanish capital.

Elsewhere, a panic ridden Jurgen Klopp has spent the morning begging Djimi Traoré to come out of retirement.