Ahern Readmitted To Fianna Fáil After Promising He Hasn’t Changed One Bit


IRELAND’S leading craven bollocks and human brown envelope Bertie Ahern has sensationally been readmitted to Fianna Fáil, after members heard the former Taoiseach and current disgrace had said he hasn’t changed in anyway whatsoever and still retains the moral compass of a pyramid scheme.

“What a relief, once I heard he was still the same man who wears Eau D’Something Fishy aftershave I said let Bertie back in,” explained one party member, who admitted Fianna Fáil were actively looking for ways to lose every single vote come the next election.

A decade after he left the party in the wake of the Mahon Tribunal finding that his denials of receiving multiple corrupt payments was about as believable as Tom Cruise’s Irish accent in Far and Away, the former party leader has reentered the fold, pledging to have learned nothing.

“He has an incredible feel for politics, and we need the sort of astute mind around. Y’know, the type that right before the Celtic Tiger crashed said I don’t know how people issuing economic warnings don’t commit suicide,” added another giddy party member.

“Now there was a bit of a problem with his membership fee of 20 euro, he said he couldn’t set up a direct debit because he didn’t have a bank account, but he swears once he’s back from a dinner with mates he should be able to rustle up about £25k sterling easy” .

Elsewhere, some younger members of the public aren’t old enough to remember Ahern’s decades of political infamy but do recall their family suffering through a decade of hardship and attending a number of funerals in the years after the crash.