Blue Lobster Just Depressed


A RARE blue Lobster caught in Belfast Lough by a county Down fisherman has bravely opened up about its mental health struggles today in a tell-all interview with WWN, stating its life is not all the glitz and glamour as the media perceives it to be.

Labelled as a ‘one in a two million find’, Lazerian the Lobster thanked the local and national newspapers for the publicity but said it wanted to use its 15 minutes of fame to highlight the issues blue lobsters go through daily.

“The name calling from other lobsters like ‘willow pattern head’ and ‘fancy clamps’ doesn’t faze me but it’s the sheer loneliness of being such a rare breed that gets me down,” Lazerian revealed, who admits to a love of listening to Damien Dempsey, “people think you’re special but try living in Belfast being the odd one out – up here you’re either one side or another but if you’re neither it’s tough going”.

Begging for the fisherman not to throw him back in, Lazerian said he yearned for a nice boiling pot of salted water and only for his weight, he’d by on a plate in some fancy Michelin star right now, sliding down a wealthy oesophagus.

“Lovely gesture throwing me back in and all but I was kind of hoping to be lathered in garlic butter right now and cracked open like an egg,” he added, “a knife through my cranium or just a good old fashioned boiling alive would have sufficed, but no, mister goody-two-shoes fucked me back in with these miserable bunch of racist crustaceans – cheers for that”.