“I’ve Been Told You Simply Minded People Will Be Won Over By A Saw Doctors Quote”

“I’VE no idea what a sawn off doctor is but my aides insist this should be enough to have you all drooling at the mouth like attention-starved puppies,” explained EU Comission president Ursula von der Leyen her address to the Joint Houses of the Oireachtas.

Mindful of the fact that substantive speeches heavy on detail orientated solutions are all well and good but where’s the pat on the head for little Paddy, von der Leyen was only too happy to give the people what they want.

“I could talk for hours about our ongoing commitment to the Good Friday Agreement, the intractable issues with the N.I protocol, all that bullshit but let’s face it all you simply minded people need is this quotes from the Galway Beatles and I’m guaranteed good free press and zero hard questions,” confirmed von der Leyen.

“I could be telling you it’s bank bailout time again but as long as I say Tayto! Bono! Glenroe! You’ll lap it up,” confirmed von der Leyen when someone attempted to ask about a recent EU court ruling which makes it impossible for the public to gain access to information on the true ownership of companies, meaning dark money, shell companies and money laundering will remain rife across the continent.

“I was going to pose with a pint of Guinness but I’ve told that might actually kill you sad pathetic freaks from the pure excitement,” said von der Leyen, before adding that ‘isn’t everyone a Derry Girl at heart’ prompting Micheál Martin to explode.