WWN’s World Cup Recap


JAPAN’S winning goal and the resulting controversy was the craziest thing to happen last night up until Kanye West stepped into Alex Jones’ studio for a chat.

The football cliche has been updated to ‘you can actually write off the Germans’ after two consecutive group stage exits at the World Cup.

With Spain taking the lead against Japan, and Costa Rica going in front against Germany at one point Group E had more table changes than an IKEA showroom.

Costa Rica’s second goal was scrappier than a 3am fight outside a chipper, and for the briefest time Germany and Spain looked like they were headed for the most spectacular double exit since Robbie Williams left Take That and Geri Halliwell ditched the Spice Girls.

At full time football pundits were left debating whether the ball crossed the line for Japan’s second goal, proving to be the closest attention paid to a line outside of a nightclub toilet.

Suddenly, everyone knew as much about overhanging balls as the tea-bagging section of Pornhub. None more so than Graham Souness who was so certain a conspiracy was afoot that he claimed there was a second football on the grassy knoll.

Earlier in Group F Canada finished the tournament with less points than Ireland at a Eurovision. Morocco upset the odds to top the group as this generation of Belgian players are henceforth known as the gold-plated generation.

Performances weaker than Nick Cannon’s pullout game, Belgium proved the most disappointing team since the A-Team remake.

With only 30 minutes of football played in the last two months and still carrying an injury you can forgive Romelu Lukaku missing more chances than those given to repeat offenders in Irish courts.

The replays of Lukaku’s misses are longer than the director’s cut of Lord of the Rings and will haunt the Inter Milan striker harder than Vecna in Stranger Things.

Today’s games sees Ghana trying to avenge their 2010 exit at the hands of Luis Suarez in the biggest revenge mission since Seal Team Six killed Osama Bin Laden.