Graham Dwyer Appeal Set To Boil Piss Nationwide

AS THE Court of Appeal begins hearing his case against his 2012 conviction for the murder of childcare worker Elaine O’Hara, the nation is stocking up on Gaviscon to combat the heartburn that Graham Dwyer walking free on a technicality would cause.

The killer’s legal team will argue that the use of his mobile phone data was a breach of EU law, and as such text messages like “I want to stick my knife in flesh while I am sexually aroused… I would like to stab a girl to death some time” and “My urge to rape, stab or kill is huge” should not have been used against him.

None of causes for appeal that will be heard over the next two days will argue that Dwyer didn’t kill O’Hara, but instead find and poke loopholes in his conviction that may see him set free; something that threatens to ‘boil the balls’ off people across the country.

“It’s incredible to be faced with a trial that’s almost the polar opposite of a Guildford Four situation,” expressed one man we spoke to today, staring at the slow but inevitable innate injustice of the whole thing.

“He was convicted for the crime but now it looks like he may be about to weasel out of it. And if he does indeed walk free, he’ll probably sue for compensation as well, won’t he? Jesus Christ, that’s going to pop the top clean off my head if it happens”.

Meanwhile, the Department of Justice are keeping very quiet, in case anyone looks to them to see how this kind of thing was allowed to happen or ask if they even knew what the laws around mobile phone data were at the time.