Musk Appoints Neuralink Monkey As Chief Technology Officer


GOING some way to explaining the idiotic tweaks performed on Twitter which have been riven with chaos since his takeover of the social media company, Elon Musk is sticking by one of his big hires and promoting them.

“Neuralink monkey is the future,” explained Musk, revealing for the first time to much relief from his tech bro fans that Musk himself wasn’t the source of endlessly inept decisions thus far but his new Chief Technology Officer known only as ‘monkey’.

“Monkey is shifting the online paradigm when it comes to town square-ification of Twitter’s online free speech space, and that’s why the retweet button is now shaped like a banana,” Musk explained, fresh from announcing all Twitter users named Greg are now banned because it’s a ‘silly name containing all the worst letters’.

The new CTO is equipped with a state of the art brain chip produced by the Musk-owned Neuralink company, which is so advanced it’s capable of helping a monkey decide to charge $8 a month for a blue tick which then became an ‘official badge’ which was then scrapped hours into being launched.

“We’re going to be doing a lot of stupid things in the coming months but that’s not because my capacity as CEO is on par with that of a brain surgeon made entirely out of chainsaws, it’s because a monkey is in charge of our innovating innovations,” Musk explained, endorsing the monkey’s new venture which involved throwing faeces at the walls of his office at Twitter HQ.

UPDATE: In an effort to bring back fleeing advertisers to Twitter, monkey has eaten the face off the head of advertising at Unilever.