Government Redress Scheme Reckons €5k About Right For Church Trafficking Your Child Or Dumping Them In Septic Tank


“WE’RE actually being super generous, did you know we didn’t even have to give you lot that much in the first place, it wasn’t even recommended in a report. How generous are we? Three cheers for the gov… oh Jesus, what’s the face for?”

The words of the government as it confirmed mothers who spent less than three months in a Mother and Baby Home where they were emotionally and physically abused, locked away like a prisoner and put to work as a slave all while their child was stolen from them and trafficked will be entitled to a maximum €5000.

“Hang on you’re trying to tell us have your child kidnapped and trafficked by a religious order left you with a lifetime of pain and trauma totaling more than €5,000? Ah c’mon out of that, really?” said a spokesperson for the Department of Continued Insult & Injury, who had previously removed all the bigger numbers from their compensation calculators.

Moany opposition TDs have predictably sided with survivors of Mother and Baby Homes as the Irish State insists on subjecting victims of abuse to further psychological torture in the form of carefully hollowed out apology statements.

“No amount of redress that can undo the hurt done,” Minister for Children told the Dáil, which goes some of the way to explaining why they’ve offered fuck all.

However, those highly strung and emotionally immature members of the public who think they know better than the State have been reminded of how things work in Ireland.

“I would caution any individual who is so enraged by the vile way we’ve treated and continue to treat survivors to calm down before sending in letters, ringing TDs, organising protests because remember this redress money is being paid by you the taxpayer… ‘cus you hardly expect the religious orders are going to fork out a single cent, do you?” concluded a spokesperson.