Celebrities You Thought Were Dead, Relieved Are Alive But Now Anxious About Thought Of Their Eventual Death


IT IS always such sweet relief when you discover a much loved and respected public figure is in fact, contrary to your spotty memory, still very much alive and doling out good vibes and smiles to the world.

But now you’ve got this stabbing feeling in your gut that won’t quit, you’re sick with worry but thankful these guys are still around:

Robert Redford

Yes, what a relief to know Redford is still with us, a titan of Hollywood and liberal causes. But now you’re going to be worried about him all week, 86 is some age in fairness.

Angela Lansbury

Murder she still writing, and thank God says you but jaysus it doesn’t take much – a slip or a fall, fuck, yes it’s a weight off to know Angela is still with us but it’s a weight on to be fearing the worst. Touch wood.

Burt Bacharach

Melody maven Burt, you honestly thought he was gone and now you’re going to need his publicist to provide hourly updates just to keep your anxiety from boiling over.

Tina Turner

Stop, doesn’t bare thinking about. Tina’s a pwowerhouse, she’ll live forever.

Willie Nelson

Not Willie, don’t even think about it fate!

Haruki Murakami

Author extraordinaire. Ha, if anyone would be able to explore these complex feeling of attachment and worry it’s our Haruki. Is he well enough to still be writing? Someone check up on him there.

Diana Ross

That’s right, she played Glastonbury this year, right? Could have sworn… oh that was Mary Wilson? Aw, that’s got me sad now but great Diana’s still around.


Not a celebrity in the traditional sense John sort of looks after the office block we’re in. To be honest we reckon he’s just given oddjobs by the facilities manager as an act of kindness he doesn’t actually do much, but John is always good for a chat. Just the thought of… we can’t even say it. He’s always showing us pictures of his cat Jasper he got after his wife passed… now we’ll only set ourselves off.

Judi Dench

Oh that’s right! She was in Belfast there just gone. Phew! But at the same time, wrap her up in cotton wool because you’re crying just at the thought.

David Bowie

Look it, we won’t be hearing anything to the contrary. This is the reality we choose.