Turf Cutting Fundamentalist Threatens To Burn Himself Outside Dáil


THERE is an extremely disturbing incident unfolding outside Leinster House at this very minute with the public asked to stay clear of Dublin City centre, WWN can reveal.

Emergency services including the fire brigade and the gardaí have responded and are on the scene alongside bomb disposal experts as an unidentified turf cutting fundamentalist holds a flame to a turf packed suicide vest and threatens to burn himself alive.

Details are still emerging but sources have heard the man demanding a meeting with Eamon Ryan and a guarantee he can continue to cut turf for himself and his family.

UPDATE: the turfing extremist is a man named Noel Readons and it is believed he has a commercial turf facility with 50 acres.

Cries of ‘come any closer and we’ll go up like a chimney on an isolated rural cottage’ could be heard coming from Readons as a garda negotiator tried to engage with him.

UPDATE 2: Readons has been offered a year’s supply of bacon and cabbage and Cadet cola but he remains agitated and ready to burn himself and the turf.

Word has reached us now that Eamon Ryan had come to the fronts gates of Leinster house with a windowbox of lettuce. Gardaí, fearing Ryan will get everyone killed have aggressively tackled him to the ground and carted him away.

UPDATE 3: Sadly Readons has lit his turf vest. As the fire takes its time to get going, gardaí maintaining a safe distance can be heard stating ‘you can’t beat the smell of turf’ some minutes before Readons finally explodes into a million pieces.