Child! These Celebs Brought The ’97 Jetta To The Met Gala And Blew The Head Gasket On Us All!

OH NO! There’s been a murder… of our *eyes*, that is. With murdery goodness, of course. The Met Gala 2022 has been and gone and sir, we are now blind! Somebody help us get on this train because if left alone, we’re just going off the rails.

Here’s some of the looks from the red carpet that had our jaws on the floor, where our teeth were serving as mirrors for mice. Believe us when we say we are not exaggerating in the slightest, the impact that the looks from last night has had on us.

Kim Kardashian

The big one. Oh our Gods. The Kween appeared in a vintage Marilyn Monroe dress that didn’t sing ‘Happy Birthday Mister President’, it said ‘listen Mister President, I need the nuclear launch codes and if you don’t give them to me, I’m going to murder your children. Put your palm on this device Mister President. Say goodbye to Canada, Mister President’. Stunning.

Daisy Edgar-Jones

Normal People? We will never be normal people again. This look has changed us forever. We now live in a commune, where all we eat is hair. Never again shall we read a printed word. Every day we hold the palm of our hand against a hot stove. None of us remember why.

Sarah Jessica Parker

Maitre’ D! If we could go back in time and stop 9/11 but it would mean we weren’t served this fierceness on the red carpet at Met ’22, we wouldn’t. We’d just sit back and wave at Atta and the boys as they flew overhead.

Nicola & Brooklyn Peltz-Beckham

All God’s children gotta place in the choir. Some sing low and some sing higher, some sing out loud on the telephone wire. Some just clap their hands. Pause. Get ready with the clap now.

Cardi B

Get a bucket and a mop because we are now pools on the floor. Sentient, living puddles of oily dirt, reminiscent of the creature that killed Tasha Yar on Star Trek: The Next Generation. Sunlight pains us as we have no eyelids. We cannot look away. Sleep is impossible. Render us into soap and put us in the public toilets at a petrol station. Force unnecessary dentistry on us. This look has adopted us. We are its children now.