Spire To Be Converted To Wind Generator


THE conversion of the Dublin Spire into a wind turbine is just one of several innovations being put in place around the country to offset the soaring cost of energy. Also on the cards:

  • Harnessing the self-importance of Cork people in a bid to power the county, without having to rely on ‘that Dublin electricity that thinks it’s great’
  • Wind-powered turbines on the M1 between Dundalk and Newry, which are powered by Northern motorists driving past them at 200 miles an hour, the pups
  • A large dynamo which will be installed in Dáil Éireann, rigged to kick in once the government start back-pedaling on something
  • A new power plant where election promises are burned
  • New insulating panels will be placed around the many data centres dotted across the country, which won’t generate power but may cut down on the astronomical amount of energy the centres require
  • While we’re on the subject, we’ve been ordered by law to state that data centres are not at the root of the nation’s energy crisis
  • Newgrange will be fitted with wheels, creating a ‘hamster ball’ style turntable that will hopefully keep the blackouts in Meath to a minimum
  • Nuclear power, provided that the government can be trusted to grant the job to a building firm that can deliver on time and on budget, as well as forming a management team that can keep it running without dooming the nation to a nuclear hell within the first year of business
  • Something with cows – more cows? Less cows? We’re not sure. The memo that was leaked to us just says ‘cows’.