Government Exploring All Refugee Housing Options That Maximise Contractor Profits


FACED WITH a near impossible task of housing an estimated 10,000 additional Ukrainian refugees by the end of the month, the government is working around the clock to find the best way to make this work for developers, contractors and anyone else seeking to profiteer.

“It’s an unprecedented crisis and as a result we’ve all already had to make sacrifices – people are offering rooms, we’re accepting of the fact cost of living is going up, their may be shortages of certain foods but we draw the line at the idea of builders coming together without profit at the forefront of their minds,” explained one official.

Explaining the truly mammoth task at hand, government officials stressed that the solution will require a quick turnaround and the foregoing of some regulations covering accommodation and planning permissions.

“We’re open to ripping up basic building standards and planning laws but can’t entertain the idea we wouldn’t just arbitrarily pay something like 60% above market price to a company whose office premises has been lying idle for 18 months because no one wants it,” explained another official, whose job it was to approach developers, hotels and random field owners and say ‘name your price’.

Those worried that there would be building capacity issues even for temporary or modular homes have been reassured by several large building contractors who have confirmed it’s their patriotic duty to help Ukrainian refugees at all costs except at the cost of making a tidy sum.

“There’s no time to explore other options we need to find an institutional investor with some build-to-rent apartments coming on stream and we need to overpay them by massively now, it’s that or massively overpay for tents in a field or both” explained a frazzled official, who promised to keep most refugees hidden away from voters so they didn’t get too depressed.