All The New Questions On This Year’s Census


THE 2022 Census has a new feature called the ‘time capsule’ which allows people to write a message to future generations that will be made public 100 years from now.

However, that’s not the only new feature of the census as aside from standard questions about marital status, home ownership etc its crammed with new questions including:

Barrys or Lyons?

While census officials know that Lyons tastes like bin juice placed in a microwave, they must be diligent in their information gathering and ask the public the question, no matter how obvious the answer.

Any neighbours we should be worried about?

This new question allows people to freely gossip and rat on their neighbours. This section has 44 blank pages which experts feel still isn’t enough.

Are you happy to still be living at home with your parents?

A question for people aged 25 and over, with the only possible answer offered as ‘yes’. The government deny insisting on this question being put in.

Would ya?

This is a picture round, which lists various men and women of differing levels of attractiveness. The hope is that the 2022 census can learn more about the Irish public’s sexual desires and preferences.

Rapid fire round: Marvel or DC? Protestant or Normal? Missionary or Doggie? How would you feel about the implementation of a Logan’s Run-style cull of the population at age 35?

Sperm count?

Intrusive but necessary, adult men will be asked to provide a sample so the government can blame something other high living costs and miserable quality of life for why more people are choosing not to have children.

Aural and oral Irish exams

If you tick fluent Irish speaker, there’s a button next to which will launch a quick test which is expected to see the number of genuinely fluent speaks drop by 80%.

Have you anything to say on your last ever census form before the world ends?

Nice for a census to end on a lighthearted note.