Cost-Cutting Measures RTÉ Are About To Implement

WATER is still wet, so that must mean that RTÉ is currently experiencing financial woes that threaten the future of the organisation unless drastic action is taken.

But rather than head for their go-to option of demanding a hike in licence fees like they normally do, RTÉ are taking it upon themselves to straighten up shop with a suite of cost-cutting measures including:

– Dermot Bannon is to seek a 10% kickback from the manufacturers of glass windows and doors, or he will stop recommending them every time he shows up on screen. ‘We’ve given these lads millions in free advertising, it’s time to make a little back’, RTÉ chiefs were heard to say.

– From this Saturday on, there will be no more ‘Big Big Movie’ on Saturdays for the kids, instead there will be just a ‘Big Movie’ or indeed a ‘Movie’. ‘Big Big Movies don’t grow on trees’, bosses groused.

– Similarly, The Late Late Show is to end its tradition of giving ‘one for everyone in the audience’. Instead, audience members will be forced to scrap like dogs for trinkets and prizes, with the ensuing melee recorded for use in a subsequent late-hours combat sports programme. ‘Another free show, this saving money craic is easy!’ grinned Dee Forbes.

– OK, maybe just one teensy tiny hike in licence fees, just a small one.

It’s believed that if the measures prove to be effective, RTÉ executives will be able to continue to live the life they’re accustomed to, such as claiming 1.1 million euro in expenses as they did last year because it’s too much to ask management on six-figure salaries to pay for their own M50 tolls or printer toner.