“If Everyone Kills At Least One Person, This Rent Crisis Will Be Over”

RESIDENT property expert, chairman of the Irish Landlord League and WWN deputy sub-editor-in-chief Bill Badbody pens some of his thoughts on, and solutions to, the current housing and rental crisis in Ireland, not that anyone asked.

Okay, I’m going to make this very brief as I’m a very busy man and time is money, so excuse my bluntness – people here need to be told straight as they seem to think this housing crisis is everyone else’s fault but theirs.

First of all, you don’t have a housing crisis, you have a population crisis, but fear not, there are solutions which I will go through here free of charge.

Many of you will remember several years ago when drug taking was made legal for an entire day in Ireland, well, I see no reason why our government can’t also legalise murder for a similar period, allowing everyone earning under 100k per year to exterminate a peer of their choosing (note: landlords exempt), halving our entire population over night and freeing up 50% of properties across the country for investment funds to take.

Obviously, a rental cap will have to be implemented before D-day, and I don’t mean a rising rent cap, I mean a floor, whereby the rents will be guaranteed to never fall below a certain threshold again. This is a non negotiable clause, as this was my idea.

Yes, it will probably take everyone some time to get over the initial trauma of murdering someone or indeed losing someone they loved, but if history has taught us anything, deep-set traumatic experiences drove this nation to where it’s at today; being a subservient race of moaners too lazy to protest in the cold.

Civil War, the Troubles, all the sexual and physical abuse carried by religious and government backed institutions – it’s what makes us who we are today and I think the act of murdering someone would actually give everyone on this island a newfound perspective on life going forward, and more importantly an extra 6×8 box room they could rent out for a guaranteed €1,000 per month.

NOTE: In the event of the mass murder idea being embraced, I have acquired dozens of potential allotment sites across the country for graveyards, pending planning and consecration.