Surprise Your Mam With The Gift Of Crack Cocaine This Year

THE soaring abundance of cheap, highly-addictive crack cocaine in Irish cities and towns could be the answer for hundreds of thousands of people who are struggling to find the perfect gift for their mothers this Christmas, WWN can confirm.

No longer just something you hear about on cop shows and movies on TV, crack is rapidly replacing heroin as the community-destroyer in Ireland, and following years of presenting your mam with Dunnes vouchers and scarves, it could be the time to get her onto something a little harder.

Although you’ll never get her to say it out loud, your mother would almost certainly get quite the buzz from the frighteningly addictive drug, and due to the ‘instantly hooked’ nature of the narcotic you should be able to pick up a rock of crack for as little as a tenner in most Irish cities.

“It’s always gas when your mam hits the sherry on Christmas, so imagine her after a hit from a crack pipe,” said one entrepreneurial crack salesman, offering a special 3-for-2 price on first purchases of the drug, as well as what he promises was ‘excellent after-sales’.

“Your mam will love it. Everyone loves crack when they do it first – it’s got an unbeatable kick to it. I’ve never known one person to say they didn’t like the experience. Now, the years following it, that’s another story. But hey, you’ve just solved the problem of what to get your mam for her birthday, mother’s day, something to bring with you when you’re visiting, the whole shabang”.

The government has even announced that if enough middle-classed housewives become addicted to crack they may actually fund some rehabilitation services.