Priest Shortage: How The Church Plans On Recruiting New Blood

ACROSS Ireland the Catholic Church is dealing with priest shortages as elderly priests continue to retire, leaving parishes without priests and a clergy spread thin. In an effort to boost recruitment the Vatican in conjunction with Irish church leaders have been looking a new ways to attract would-be clergy.

WWN has gained an exclusive look at how they are planning on recruiting new blood:

50% bigger portions of Communion wine.

Guaranteed to do at least one big celeb funeral a year.

Can lecture at pulpit from other books not just the Bible, including Harry Potter, RSA rules of the road and Kanye West’s meandering monologues about leather jogging pants.

Huge bonuses for any conversions to Catholicism. Adopting a very business focused quarterly targets and KPIs approach, priests who convert people could earn big bucks.

Pre-installing Grindr on all work phones.

Employing a dozen full time staff whose job involves constantly deleting the ‘controversies’ section to the Catholic Church’s Wikipedia entry.

Pope Francis is to become more active on TikTok, further cementing his reputation as ‘meme taken human form’.

Make Jude Law an actual real life pope.

There are plans to pretend ‘the Priesthood’ is an ironic club night at which patrons ‘join’ the ‘seminary’ and ‘become priests’ after years of ‘study’, this will easily attract thousands of hipster who unwittingly sign away their life and are forced to do the Lord’s work.

Launching a crytpocurrency called Prie$t which idiots can only purchase if they first join an exclusive online club called ‘The CC’.