“Student Accommodation Perfectly Affordable If You Give Up The Wacky Backy,” Explains Minister For Education

COLLEGE students around Ireland have been told to cut back on booze, marijuana, condoms, koka noodles and Pulp Fiction posters before they even think about complaining about the cost of accommodation, according to new guidelines from the Departments of Education and Housing.

“We don’t want to hear anyone griping about paying 1,300 euro a month for a bedsit while we’re seeing these same students going around with brand new pencil cases” said a stern Norma Foley this morning, on foot of students recently staging a ‘no keys, no degrees’ protest outside the Dáil.

“A lot of these children seem to have forgotten that it’s part of the college experience to be flat broke for four years. That’s what creates a strong, motivated workforce that will go forth and emigrate to a better life upon qualification. We can’t be letting anyone think that they’re valued, or that we want them to stick around. Sorry, not sorry”.

Anger among students was stoked upon learning that over 1,000 purpose-built student accommodation units were granted permission by Dublin City Council to be flipped into short-term rental units, a move described by the government as ‘character building’.

“Someday students will realise that the time they spent bussing up and down to college every day, or the time they lived in dangerous and unhealthy squats, were the best years of their lives” the government added.

“That’s what you always hear, the ‘college experience’ is something you can’t put a price on. And believe us, we’ve tried”.