Epstein Prison Guards Avoid Jail, Sentenced To Death In Suspicious Accidents


THE PRISON guards who failed to watch over Jeffrey Epstein’s prison cell the night he hung himself, wink wink nudge nudge, have avoided a jail sentence and will instead be handed down a unique punishment.

“Due to your plea deal struck with prosecutors, I hereby permit you to walk free to fall foul of an accident so transparently concocted by a powerful cabal of shadowy figures who can’t trust you to keep your mouths shut,” confirmed the judge presiding over the case of Tova Noel and Michael Thomas.

While it doesn’t fall under the remit of a judge to decide the exact circumstances of a conspiracy-fueling untimely death, experts in ‘something stinks here’ have offered their predictions.

“I’d say a car crash, it’s a classic. But then again some of these guys, who will stop at nothing to prevent the powerful from facing consequences, like to ‘go big’ sometimes,” explained untimely death expert Henry Havestock.

“They like to flaunt their impunity, so it could be a ‘shot himself in the back of the head six times’ or ‘the treadmill he was using at the gym exploded and then ‘fell’ from the 10th floor even though the gym is located in the basement of the building’. ‘Fell into the lion enclosure at the zoo’, they’re spoilt for choice really,” confirmed Havestock.

As part of the plea deal the former guards have been allowed submit their preferred method of death in suspicious circumstances however their request for ‘death by natural causes at age 90’ is unlikely to be acceded to, with their legal counsel already advising families to make a head start on the obituaries.