Ha Ha! These People Couldn’t Afford Clothes During The Pandemic & Now They’re All Excited For Penneys Opening


NEWS crews around the nation are wrestling each other for the best vantage points around stores such as Penneys, to get good clear shots of lower-income families queuing up to purchase basic essentials that they missed out on during lockdown.

“It’s a sure-fire ratings winner” said one broadcaster we spoke to.

“Poor people, many of them single mothers, all barreling into low cost superstores to buy pants and socks. It’s got everything; a poverty safari mixed with whattaboutery with a healthy dose of ‘they’re not even social distancing, we’ll be back in lockdown in no time’. Everything you need to provoke angry online debate, stoke up some hate clicks, get all eyes on us. Poor people; they’re the gift that just keep giving”.

Elsewhere, the re-opening of hairdressers and beauty salons by appointment only has prompted further investigation by news crews, as there is seemingly nothing else to report on this week.

“The systemic cancellation of thousands of 999 calls by guards over the last number of years, including calls from domestic abuse victims? Nah, let’s interview this woman with the freshly applied gel nails instead. Hey missus, how do you work with those on? Assuming you work, which most of our viewers won’t” laughed one reporter, leaping out of bushes as people emerged from a local beauty salon.

Meanwhile, there have been no reports of any newspeople congregating around stores such as Brown Thomas, as it would seem cruel to focus on better-off people who haven’t bought a new Armani handbag in months.