How To ‘Solve’ Northern Ireland, According To This Dubliner


FRESH from recent ‘disturbances’ in Loyalist communities ‘up north’ WWN’s resident self-appointed Northern Ireland expert, Dublin native Paddy Fenton, believes he has unearthed easy remedies to the interminable problem that is Northern Ireland.

“Oh what are they like,” teased Fenton, grinning the sort of grin only a man who has ‘solved’ Northern Ireland could.

“I’m genuinely astonished that the solution, which I’ve arrived at after a quick 5 minute brain storm, is something that has eluded everyone up there for 50 plus years,” confirmed Fenton, not exactly shocked by his brilliant problem solving skills.

“It’s pretty simple, both communities just have to cop on like, I don’t need to read up on the particulars but sometimes the answer is just that obvious,” enthused Fenton before letting his words hang in the air for dramatic effect.

“If an outsider like me who only ever expresses a passing interest in things when they go tits up can see the easy solve, I’m honestly a bit irritated by the lack of effort put in by others”.

Laying his credentials on the table, Fenton confirmed himself and the girlfriend had a lovely time at the Titanic Experience a few years ago and he’s watched at least one episode of Give My Head Peace.

“And if they all stopped the bad stuff for long enough, maybe we can let them join the United Ireland club, and all Catholics up there will agree with me because they are a homogeneous grouping of people who don’t think independently from one another at all,” continued Fenton, never looking for a second like he thought it might be a good idea to just stop talking.

“As the saying goes ‘you can’t eat a flag because it has no nutritional value and is a nightmare to cut up with a knife and fork anyway’, I’m open to welcoming them all into my common sense zone when they’re ready but I have to say my patience is wearing thin,” concluded Fenton, who hadn’t planned on becoming the leading figure in Northern Irish politics, but destiny has a funny way of calling on people.