Central Bank Needs A Little Lie Down After Actually Fining Firm


FEELING FAINT after suffering a rare of rush of blood to the brain, head of the Central Bank of Ireland Gabriel Makhlouf nearly fainted after fining firm Davy Group €4.13mn for breaching market rules in relation to a transaction involving the broker’s own staff.

As is custom when a financial firm is being found out, Davy were uncooperative and less than upfront in their dealing with the regulator on the issue, which the Irish public again wrongly presumes results in criminal trials and possible prison sentences, not fines.

“Wait, are you doubly sure we’re even allowed to fine them?” one panicking Central Bank bank colleague asked as he splashed water on Makhlouf’s face to revive him following the discombobulating act of fining a financial services firm.

“Enriching yourself in a shady scheme which stinks, not cooperating, conveniently forgetting the identify of others involved, these are all very un-crimey crimes. Barely warrants having their golf club memberships suspended for a day?” shared one person, wondering what the Central Bank was doing about the real criminals out there.

In a bid to reassure the public and its clients this was a one-off incident from the distant past of 2014, the CEO of the company famous for making a series of payments to corrupt politician Liam Lawlor, said something like ‘this will never happen again’.

“In fairness this is probably very different from when Davy was accused by the CEO of Fyffes of being ‘set up’ in illicit trading of shares or when Davy was found in breach of duty for investing the €5mn inheritance of a man with intellectual disabilities (the result of suffering two strokes at the age of 10) in ‘seriously risky’ contracts. Oh yeah or different from when they lost €58.5mn of their clients’ money in Bernard McNamara’s failed Irish Glass Bottle site development,” confirmed someone brave enough to give Davy the benefit of the doubt.

In response to the recent fine news, Minister for Finance Paschal Donohoe asked Davy to provide an explanation, if it’s not too busy, but he totally understands if they are, nevermind, sorry for even asking.