Johnson To Allow Extra People In House For Xmas, Free Cars, Miniature Union Jacks, Anything To Distract From Shit Job He’s Doing

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GENEROUS British PM Boris Johnson will stop at nothing in his attempt to deflect attention away from an inquiry which concluded his Home Secretary, Priti Patel, bullied civil servants, subjecting them to volleys of abuse and is basically Nelson Muntz on steroids.

“We can all have Christmas together in Wembley stadium, Ed Sheeran will play, you can have a free school meal for your ‘Crimbo’ dinner (shared), cans of beer, heroin, cars, ciggies; whatever it is you peasants love,” offered Johnson as he tried to distract from both the fact Priti Patel is Bill Sikes, as well as all that needless fuss about how his Covid-19 strategy is more aimless than a drunk urinating while bouncing on a trampoline.

Patel, who said Ireland should be threatened with starvation in Brexit negotiations, and gets a weird satisfaction from migrants drowning at sea, is being painted as the picture of empathy by Johnson, who has clearly never met a real person.

“Fuck it the Queen will go door to door in a bubble, personally delivering this year’s Christmas Day address to everyone,” added Johnson, hoping that would be enough to distract from government contracts, worth billions, conveniently being secured by Tory donors and the small matter of 1,034 fresh warnings about how Brexit will obliterate the economy.

“Oh, eh, let me see,” panicked Johnson struggling to guess at more things common folk might like, “invite whoever you ruddy well like over for Christmas, ‘I’m A Strictly Celebrity Big Brother Eastender’ crossover episode for Christmas day, miniature flags, more booze” screamed Johnson who, not content with declaring workplace harassment perfectly okay when one of his lot is found guilty of it, also cut funding to anti-bullying LGBT programmes in schools.

“Phew, think we got away with that one,” Johnson said, in the brief 4 second window between monumental cock ups.

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