How To Tell If You’re A ‘Friend’ Friend Of Leo Varadkar, A Guide


AFTER Tánaiste Leo Varadkar was subjected to several hours of grueling back and forth in the Dáil, communication strategists belonging to the government are fairly confident ‘you are really that fucking stupid’ and have bought the Tánaiste’s ‘error of judgement’ excuses.

However, many people are less sure as to their official friend status with the Fine Gael leader, prompting WWN to divine a helpful guide which should clear up whether or not Varadkar considers you like a friend friend sort of a friend and not a friend of friend friend sort of friend:

Are you a GP and former member of the now defunct NAGP who was furnished with a confidential documents by Leo Varadkar?

Sorry, your luck is out, sounds like according to the Tánaiste he barely knows you and you just talk shite about how he’s your best mates to score pathetic points with your own mates.

To clarify: he doesn’t know you know you. Yeah, sure let’s grab pint down the line. Sorry, new phone don’t have all my old numbers in this. What’s your name again? No, sorry, not ringing a bell.

Are you a government minister who debased the office you hold by taking to media outlets in the past few days to minimise the seriousness of sharing confidential documents?

Sound. Leo can’t thank you enough, few tinnies on him when this all blows over, which seeing how distracted people are by the hubbub in the US, should be this evening.

Are you a member of an environmentally conscious political party in government born with a rare condition which means you were born with a gelatinous spine void of a backbone?

No, not a friend friend, sorry. More one of those friends that is constantly taken advantage of, desperate to fit in and be accepted, they’ll do anything they’re asked. Yes, we know you gave the Tánaiste that recipe for a butternut squash salad and he said he made it and it was lovely. But he didn’t. He lied to you.

Are you a Donegal TD who seems to have steam permanently coming out of your ears?

No you’re not friends, you’re not even frenemies. You just make the guy shit his pants.

Are you someone who after shoveling shit for him all week turned to him yesterday and asked ‘but we’re friend friends, right?’

No, you’re the actual leader of the country who keeps accidentally referring to Varadkar as ‘Taoiseach’.

Are you a pint-sized Australian pop princess?

No, you’ve never heard of him but if you could just respond to his emails. Look, do you need any documents? Whatever it takes for a signed poster. It’s in the national interest.

Are you a journalist or commentator talking about this scandal like politics is a blood sport and ‘no one has landed a knock out blow’, rather than simply stating the facts for what they are and how odd it is such an act is being normalised or laughed off?

Nice one, if there’s any cans left you can have the ends of one maybe.

Elsewhere, people have been emboldened to use the Tánaiste’s excuse for leaking confidential documents as an ‘error of judgement’ in their own lives, using it as an excuse for everything from not doing the washing up to taking a big shit on their bosses’ desk.