How Restrictions In The North Will Affect Your Plans To Head On The Lash In Newry

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WITH a wave of fresh Coronavirus restrictions sweeping into Northern Ireland following a worrying spike in cases over the last few weeks, many southerners have begun to worry about how this will impinge on their trips across the border for reasons ranging from nights out, to buying big boxes of Daz from a lad in a container on the side of the road just past Dundalk.

Luckily, WWN have been in contact with our northern correspondents office in Londonwaterford, to bring you the following guide:

  • All border-hopping benders are to cease immediately, with news that bars in Northern Ireland are to close for four weeks from Friday. This comes as a crushing blow to punters along the border in the south of Ireland, who had been heading across into the north for drinks as normal up until now, as well as a crushing economic blow to the bus firms who had been running packed services on weekends to popular hotspots in NI. Off-license sales in the north are also going to close at 8PM, which leads us to…
  • Heading north to do your shopping is to take a major hit, as cross-county checks already in place are to be further complicated by irregular opening hours and a return of March/April levels of panic buying. “Anyone in the south who had planned to come up to Sainsburys or Asda and ‘clean the place out’ should take note of the fact that we’re all doing that ourselves at the minute”, read a note from the NI Executive.
  • Levels of nonsense are to increase up north, in a bid to match those in the south as part of a cohesive ‘All-Island’ approach to confusing people. Terms such as ‘bubbling’ will be added to existing nonsense such as ‘cocooning’, and new rules which seem to directly contradict themselves will be added to create an undercurrent of ‘do they fucking know what they’re at, at all?’ among the population.
  • Fireworks sales are to continue as normal.

The restrictions could mean devastating consequences for those who had gained a sense of smug superiority by finding loopholes around restrictions in Ireland simply by ‘heading north’, with many now left with no other option than to swim to the Isle of Man for a cheeky few pints with the lads.

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