What The Tiny Island Of Numbchuckata Can Teach Us About Covid-19 Control
THE PUBLIC, along with experts continue to query the best method for minimising the spread of Covid-19 while also minimising the damage to economic health and societal wellbeing. Is the Swedish mentality the way forward? New Zealand’s ‘zero Covid’ strategy? Can the low incidence of Covid-19 on the continent of Africa be replicated elsewhere?
Now, more and more experts suggest the small, remote and little heard of island republic of Numbchuckata may hold the key to helping larger countries forge the best path forward.
WWN caught up with several Numbchuckata health officials and political leaders, aiming to gain an insight into how they kept their economy fully open, with Covid-19 barely registering in daily conversations among its citizens:
“We laugh at you Westerners, weeks and months into virus you still crying about protecting your Grandpapas, Grandmamas. Not Numbchuckata, we killed old people almost instantly when Covid happened – we enjoying pubs, clubs and crowded rooms ever since with no fear, you bunch of sentimental idiots,” shared Numbchuckata PM Podragu Elenay, yet another example of a female leader successfully tackling their country’s Covid-19 response.
“Scientists? Oh sure we used to have them, but they are – how do you say ‘a real Debbie of the Downer’, always with the sad stories ‘save the people’. We threw them down the well back in March, now my headaches from listening to the ‘old people are people too’ silliness is over”.
Numbchuckata’s economic stability was hard fought for and the island became an oasis of sorts by ensuring hand washing and personal hygiene was banned and mandatory orgies took place each night to encourage the exchange of bodily fluids.
“Maybe there was easier way to spread virus but Jeff on the Covid Strategy team had ugly wife and wanted change of pace so we went with the orgies over simple coughing on each other. Jeff has never been happier,” added Elenay.
“We’re not delaying the inevitable, we find old person we put them in a drive through car wash that we covert into Covid-19 spit machine – they drenched in virus. Get it over with you stupid emotional weirdos,” added Dr Henckrato Llopru, head of Numbchuckata’s Old People Disposal Unit.
Numbchuckata’s strategy was not without its considerable hardships, as PM Elenay explained.
“My husband died of the disease, but he was like gone off milk – old, past his sell by date and he too smelled awful. But we don’t cry like you oddballs, I just get new sex having person, he’s nice and strong and only 25, he make love like pneumatic drill that has a point to prove,” the beaming PM shared.
While certain countries fine people found in non-compliance with health and safety rules, label the idiots ‘rat lickers’ and mock those who have mask-free public freakouts in supermarkets, Numbchuckata takes a different approach.
“We give them all the medals. They like war heroes, they defeat enemy of common sense – and hey you laugh but look at us; we get to actually try on clothes in the clothes shops in changing rooms. We don’t look so tired and stressed out like you, who’s the idiots now?”
Elenay abruptly ended our interview when we asked if the island’s complete lack of 5G masts had anything to do with their current case count of zero.