‘Grand’ Irish Abductee Replies To Alien’s Question ‘How’s Everything Back On Earth?’

PLUCKED from his bed in the early hours of the morning in an annual visit from a reconnaissance team of alien greys, Irish abductee Tommy Holden casually laid back on the cold metal probing table, paralysed but not even trying to get up.

Not one for words, the stereotypical Cavan man welcomed the brief respite as the alien spacecraft warped space and time around him while the team telepathically interrogated him on the last 12 months.

“So, how’s everything back on earth the last year, all good, Tommy?” the lead grey alien transmitted, hoping to garner some valuable information about the primitive life forms they’ve been assigned to, who currently occupying the third planet from the sun.

“Ah, yeah, grand. Sure you know yourself,” the 45-year-old abductee said, closing his eyes as if the question disturbed his peace and quiet time, blissfully unaware his information could help save the planet from almost certain destruction.

“Is the planet all good? Global warming, wars, famine, pestilence; nothing we should be worried about or could help with down there?” the grey continued, now crossing off said potential issues, so his team could go on their way to the next habitable planet to check on residents there.

“Nah. Awful rain though,” Tommy added, before realising what a big eejit he was, kicking himself that he totally forgot about the biggest issue going on in Ireland right now, “I’m some dope. I nearly forgot to say: they closed all the bloody pubs over nothing”.

Pinching its flat nose while rolling its dark black eyes, the alien retransmitted “Anything of significance Tommy?”

“We can’t even go to a game of hurling anymore,” Tommy added, before asking the greys if there was a ‘bar on the ship’.

“No, Tommy. There’s no bar here on our intergalactic, interdimensional space ship. Sorry about that,” Tommy was told, before his recent memory was erased and transported back to bed.