Nation Will Turn Into Alcoholics If Pubs Don’t Open Soon, Warns Study


A WORRYING new report published today has warned that if Irish pubs do not open soon, the majority of its citizens will turn into full blown alcoholics by September, WWN can confirm.

The study found that people who would have normally drank in a pub one or two nights a week have become so worried for the welfare of bar staff, publicans and how lonely the pints and bottles will be in the empty bars, that they’ve developed something called ‘sympathy pints’.

“We’re seeing people who would have normally abstained from drinking during the week, drinking during the week,” a 400 page paper read, outlining the strange phenomenon, “not only that, but the subjects seem to be absolutely lashing back the drink like there’s no tomorrow”.

Furthermore, it is understood that an evolutionary, prehistoric trigger set deep in the DNA of the Irish genome is also responsible for the condition.

“We used to see this trigger engage when pubs in Ireland were closed for Good Friday or Christmas day,” the report carried on, “a hunter gatherer mode kicks in and an automatic stocking of their favourite alcoholic brands follow, but what we’re seeing now is this Good Friday style drink harvesting on a massive daily scale never before seen on this island”.

The study found that the only possible way to flatten the drink gathering curve is by opening the pubs.

“We believe that once the pubs are back open, people will suddenly feel that they’re not being denied drink anymore, reversing the trigger and returning the Irish citizen back to its normal 2-5 day habit,” the study concluded.