“You Had Me At Muslims”

LOCAL Patriot Dennis O’Mahon didn’t need to read past the ‘Muslim’ bit of the headline ‘Major Muslim Festival To Be Held In Croke Park’ to know that he’s deeply offended by such a notion, and that he will attend any protest rally against the proposed event held within two miles of his home that doesn’t coincide with anything else he’s doing that day.

“A religious ceremony in Croke Park? I don’t think so” fumed O’Mahon, fuming so hard he completely forgot about the audience with the Pope that took place in the GAA grounds in 2018, the Eucharistic Congress in 2012, loads really.

“A religious group with a shocking track record of prejudice against gay people, women, kids… unbelievable that they would allow such a thing in our beloved Croke Park” he continued, again seeming to forget a whole bunch of stuff.

The event, set to celebrate the Muslin holiday of Eid al-Adha, triggered* O’Mahon into such a frenzy that he relinquished the need to fact check anything about the ceremony, opting instead to give a ‘fair and reasonable’ fucking-off to everything in sight.

“There’ll be more blood on the pitch than there was the last time Kerry played Dublin” screamed O’Mahon.

“What’s that big Muslim cube, will that be there? I also heard you’re not going to be allowed in unless you’re wearing a suicide vest too. What next? Are they going to have Ibrahim Halawa voice the Sunday Game from now on, giving tips on ripping up passports while calling 45-yard frees? Not if I have anything to do with it; I’m going to comment online like I’ve never commented online before!”.

*Retraction: Mr. O’Mahon has asked that we remove the word ‘triggered’ from this article, as he believes that phrase should only be used for easily-offended people who freak out at the slightest little thing, not brave Patriots who just want Ireland to be like it was when he was growing up.