Harris Surprised By Lack Of Nightmares He’s Having


AS hundreds of pages of correspondence between Nursing Homes Ireland and the Department of Health have been released and poured over, Min. for Health, Simon Harris, praised for his part in the government’s initial forthright response to the Covid-19 pandemic, is still surprisingly unaffected by haunting nightmares of what could have been done differently or sooner.

“Jesus really? I can’t sleep a wink,” confirmed one Irish person after learning that 80% of nursing homes were not fully compliant with basic regulatory standards before the unforeseen pandemic spread according to a HIQA report, which certainly couldn’t have helped.

The release of the documents show that from the 28th of February, Nursing Homes Ireland shared concerns about a lack of PPE among other problems with the Dept. of Health. For most people, the prospect of an emerging scandal, in which key decisions were tragically taken too late, or not at all, would be enough to send them screaming to the hills, but for an Irish Minister for Health, it’s a Tuesday.

“Sorry, I have it here in the guidelines; it’s only in Phase Five you are allowed to start asking difficult questions, and besides, he’s sleeping like a baby back there, so best not wake him,” one government spokesperson explained.

“This is all a waking nightmare actually,” contradicted one Irish person, who doesn’t know if a private or public health ownership model is better, but just knows ‘sure it’s the same across Europe’ doesn’t wash with her when it comes to elderly people dying.

“I’m not sure what any of NHI, HSE, NPHET, HIQA, HSPC or PPE means, I just know it’s not right,” confirmed one lifelong Fianna Fáil or Fine Gael voter depending on his mood, who doesn’t think he’ll ever have a decent night’s sleep again.

Despite the ‘unprecedented nature’ of the pandemic and its fallout, the government has assured the Irish people the usual, predictably half-hearted and toothless inquiry will be reluctantly started in a few years before getting to the bottom of nothing.