United Ireland Plans Cancelled Indefinitely As N. Ireland Corona Case Confirmed


IT WAS WITH a heavy heart all staunch Irish Republicans, who will stop at nothing until the island of Ireland is a nation once again, announced this morning that on second thoughts, maybe a United Ireland isn’t such a great idea after all.

Unconvincingly insisting it was pure coincidence that such a sudden and drastic u-turn in desires was a result of Northern Ireland confirming its first case of Covid-19, brave sons of Éire stumbled through excuses in a hastily put together online address, well away from the border.

“Ah, just maybe give it awhile. There’s no rush like, we can wait. Anyway, we’ll be back in touch. Don’t call us – we’ll call you,” face mask clad Irish Republicans shared in a message to their brothers and sisters in the North.

“And we always said maybe people were being too hasty about this hard border thing, why not try it out first see – if we like it. Maybe place a giant dome over Northern Ireland, we’re open to to all ideas,” continued the patriots.

Elsewhere, other people who had previously enthusiastically called for reunification are now backtracking dramatically.

“Sorry, a united what? Never heard of it, lad,” confirmed one Twitter user, @BritsOut32Republic.

The news of the island of Ireland’s first confirmed Covid-19 case has had an immediate knock on effect nationwide with any mention from Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald of a poll on Irish unity has been immediately met with responses of ‘Jesus Christ, not now McDonald, read the fucking room’.

However, not everyone has abandoned the push for a United Ireland.

“The panic is ridiculous. So one sub-section or group on the island is now going to be ignorantly shunned and marginalised? And we’re going to avoid them and discriminate against them? Everyone knows that’s only okay when it comes to our Chinese community,” confirmed one calm voice among the unfounded hysteria.