WE ARE positively JAZZED to bring you an article about the must have Black Friday offers you’d only be interested in if your brain had been temporarily removed through some medical malfeasance.
These offers are so lit you’ll feel pretty bad about rolling your eyes at an overworked 35-year-old ‘content creator’ using the phrase ‘lit’ in an attempt to help this publication and the brands paying us connect with the important 16-25 demographic.
Once you see these offers you’ll have a smile as big as ours was when we found out how much the brands in question were paying us to pretend the following deals weren’t an absolute insult to your intelligence:
First up is a divine hair clip from the exclusive boutique Idiotiqué. It was €75 but is now €74.99. All the Love Island girls from this year are wearing them. We’ll leave out the part about delivery being €12.99 and the fact the single hair clip is so poorly made it might as well be made of wet tissue paper.
Next up the TooMuchTech smart coffee holder. It’s been reduced in price by 30% to €70 after being artificially raised to €100 a week ago to make it look like this is a great offer.
What’s a smart coffee holder? It’s a rose gold metal wire frame standing at 42 inches which allows you to place a hot cup of coffee in it, and it has a chip in it which collects all your private data to sell online. Isn’t that what tables, counters and coasters can do minus the privacy breach? Nonsense, just let the endorphin rush you feel at seeing things like ‘sale’ and ‘30% off’ cloud your judgement and hand over the cash.
Finally the other big, must-have, can’t-miss, buy-buy-buy, consume everything, surrender your wallet to us offer comes from MoneyHole, the financial services gaming app which is HUGE right now.
The realistic role-playing game allows users to see what it’s like to be a person gullible enough to be convinced to throw their hard earned money into a hole. Pick from a variety of colourful Bitmoji style characters and then spend €50 on the app to get 50 money credits and then walk your character over to the money hole and throw the money in it.
MoneyHole’s one-time quick-quick-quick spend now offer sees €50 spent in the app get you just 1 money credit. Don’t miss out!
Black Friday? More like ‘goodbye bank balance’, are we right? Don’t forget to follow us on Tik Tok trusted consumers.