SANTA CLAUS has been left ‘troubled and shaken’ by what he describes as the most desperately upsetting Christmas letter he has ever received, written by a pleading Irish electorate.
Mindful of next year’s local and European elections and a possible general election the electorate penned a tear stained wishlist to old Saint Nick in the hopes they could awake Christmas morning to find a fully formed political party underneath their tree that doesn’t turn their stomachs.
In lieu of opposition parties that offer any shred of hope that Irish politics can improve and provide people with an improvement on the current state of how things are done, the electorate took things into their own hands by penning a despairing request for Santa to conjure up the gift of competent and compassionate politicians who actually get things done.
“Dear Santa, we know it’s pointless to ask, and it’s an impossible request but any chance of some politicians who aren’t harebrained and self-serving,” began the letter which is said to have brought elves at the North Pole to tears.
“Usually it’s the terminally ill kids asking for a cure that get us crying but this, this is worse God love those Irish people, we don’t have tools powerful or magical enough to make a viable opposition party,” explained one elf.
The letter, among the saddest things committed to paper in the history of recorded language, finished with a mournful “and if it’s a choice between Fianna Fáil, Labour or Sinn Féin just drown us in coal and get it over with”.