New Tinder Setting Makes Sure Culchies Don’t Ride Their Cousins


POPULAR dating app Tinder has released an update featuring several new revisions aimed at the rural Ireland dating scene, such as an increased search radius to allow people find mates who are up for the ride, even if they live in the arsehole of nowhere, while checking to make sure mathes don’t copulate within their own bloodlines.

Other features include check boxes for the amount of road frontage a potential match might have, allowing people to not waste their time on someone who doesn’t even have any land, and a new system that will eliminate anyone who has notions about themselves; all of which will make Tinder the number one matchmaking tool in the country, according to bosses at the firm.

“The rural Ireland dating scene has been plagued for years by incidents where perfect strangers pair up together, only to realise down the line that they’re third cousins” said Martin Tinder, owner of Tinder Worldwide, a conglomerate of Tinder Enterprises.

“Our new facial recognition software will give people a ‘slow down there, chief’ if a guy matches with his mother’s cousin’s daughter, or the like. ‘Are they protestants?’, ‘do they not drink tea?’… loads of new features that will make sure country folk get a match. This does narrow down the amount of potential riding that culchies will be able to do, but we’re sure it’s what they wanted”.

So far, nobody in rural Ireland has downloaded the update.